Alraune @alraune@gamemaking.social

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i dont even know where im going with this anymore.. i think im just trying to say that im done with the ideological battles. im done with the posturing.. i just want to avoid people who make me feel bad like that. i know what helps the world, what helps people, what things can result in communism, and getting mad online and trying to be debate club champion cannot help with that. what can help is anything approaching the bodhicitta, a desire to liberate all from suffering.

I share deep dives and debates with people who absolutely seek it and have shown me good faith and would be willing to listen.. because it's not about winning. its about understanding.. i dont believe you can ever have a debate with someone who is not expressly trying to better themselves or understandings of things.. you'd be talking to a wall just trying to prove you wrong.. and thats not good.. and i dont have the emotional strength to deal with those kinds of people anyways.

The fact of the matter is, people were impacted by my feelings, by my actions.. I didn't have to debate them.. I didn't debate them.. I just talked.. I talked about my experiences and my feelings and they listened and it had an impact on them and down the line they're going to make better decisions because their experiences have been expanded and more rounded out.. thats the goal.. i dont care if they dont become an anarchist like me.. just that i can leave a better impact on things

im not afraid to talk to centrists. im not afraid to talk to liberals. or authoritarian socialists. or even ancaps who bother to talk to me. i have been reaching out to more kinds of people socially outside of mastodon.. i suggest everyone reading this to open themselves up to people outside of the left a little because this propaganda of the deed CAN reach them. in fact, they are the target recipients, not other leftists like people on Mastodon....

ive been struggling with a lot lately.. mostly personal things unrelated to my politics, but plenty of it is political in nature because of how many things about me are politicized. and ive just been thinking.. i dont want to be the kind of person who argues about politics anymore. and i feel like i havent been.. i feel like my time minimizing my social media presence has given me this opportunity to change in the way i would hope to..

i would say.. im a postmodern anarchist.. and i think care ethics are of the utmost importance beyond the anarchism. i think im happy saying this about myself. i think we through a postmodern lens can disseminate all we need to in order to reach a better society where power doesnt concentrate and exploit so much, and in the meantime we should be doing all we can to help people who need help. this is a coherent viewpoint, i think.

i think that in time authoritarian socialists will find out things are just nicer with less centralized power anyways.. because materially this happened with zapatistas and kurdish independence.. so why should i even be worrying about the weirdos who defend dictators.. i dont even think those peoples ideas are materially possible in the modern world.. their wish of doing a maoist revolution is a pipe dream by now. so why did i care.. i had too many hangups i guess.

i dont know.. i still dont think that the authoritarian socialist ideology can ever be reconciled in an anarchist society, but i dont want to not help people over such a conundrum. i dont want to be a sectarian but i also do want to establish a firm ideological division from those kinds of people. and from people who are far more concerned with the cultivation of propaganda.. im not like them.. i just want to be helpful and i want to live in a better place and i wanna try

the thing that actually got me thinking about this was when i was playing through fallout new vegas a bit ago and i can't stop thinking about every single conversation i had with a follower of the apocalypse and. yeah. they had some very dense academic ideological views but they were more concerned just with helping people, giving them free medical care, food, education.. and they give it out to people in the great khans too.. humanitarians first and anarchists second. people like them

its propaganda of the deed that we live the kind of world we want to see and thats how people change their minds.. by our actions, by seeing us doing good things and striving for something better without having to act like an idealogue about it. idk. i just cant relate with that kind of anarchist.. i actually became an anarchist to escape that kind of exceptionalist way of thinking thats also heavily present in authoritarian socialism too..

the real heroes of anarchism are not the people who do the best job of explaining dense theory to people and going down into the brass tacks to explain how everything is supposed to work and have the perfect way to talk to people manipulatively to get them to agree with them. its the people who help out. its the people who can agree to disagree but still be able to put their foot down if peoples well being is on the line. its people doing good things for people irrespective of ideology

at that stage of being an anarchist where im tired of the whole ideological recruitment fanaticism and just want to help people practically. i saw this post about emma goldman talking about how we should carefully cultivate children and it was so gross that im just not into the way most people treat anarchism and the idea of praxis.. it should be simple and holistic and for the benefit of others and not overly verbose and more concerned with carefully cultivating people..